


New Chevrolet in Flames

by WeirdItalianPlumber



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-21
Updated: 2018-06-21
Packaged: 2019-05-26 11:17:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14999756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WeirdItalianPlumber/pseuds/WeirdItalianPlumber
Summary: Bored and abandoned by the others, Dee and Charlie decide to be someone else for a while.Plot based off New Chevrolet in Flames by The Mountain Goats





	New Chevrolet in Flames

**Author's Note:**

> Not exactly a songfic, but this is highly inspired by [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Uk42Fn1TM4). It's one of my favorites, and I realized it has some chardee vibes, so I had to write it.
> 
> There's no specific time for this, but definitely post s10.

"What about that one?" Charlie asks, pointing at the upside-down letters in the book. He up looks at Dee on the opposite side of the bar. "It matches my shirt. It's gotta be a sign." He probably doesn't know what it says, but he's right, it absolutely is the same word.  

Dee skims it. Colorado Bulldog. Coca-cola, vodka, coffee liquor, and milk. Simple enough, she thinks. She probably couldn't make one of the fancy ones, anyway, if she were being honest with herself. Paddy's probably doesn't have the right ingredients, but they could substitute close enough. As long as they still got drunk, she was good. Maybe they could make a run to Wawa and get the stuff. She could go for a snack, anyway.  

They had been hanging around the bar for the past hour, after being ditched by Mac and Dennis. Frank hadn't even bothered to show up that day.  

They had been slowly drinking when Charlie suggested they try mixing something, like real bartenders. Which neither of them were, really. Dee smiles at him, lips bright red from the wine. Charlie briefly wonders if he would be able to taste the sweetness on them. How it would mix with the beer on his. 

By the time they search the bar for ingredients and scavenge up a close enough approximation, the buzz from earlier is starting to wear off. The excitement of something new only doing so much. They clink their glasses together in a toast. "To the dickbags that left us behind," Dee declares. "We don't need them to have fun." 

"Yeah! We have each other," Charlie agrees defiantly.  

That’s still not ideal. "Let's be someone else for a while," Dee suggests.

Charlie's eyes widen in excitement. "Can we do accents?" He asks. Dennis usually tries to control his characters, claiming they ruin the scheme. 

Dee's already started. "Sure thing, doll," she tries what's probably supposed to be a high-class fancy lady. They go down into the basement, where the costumes are stored.  

Charlie pulls a jacket out of the box and puts it on. It's one of those ones rich men in movies wear while smoking cigars. It loses some effect, due to being wrinkled from being shoved at the bottom of the costume box. The fact that it's at least a size too big on him doesn't help, either. 

Dee finds the black beret she wore at the fake baby funeral, and absentmindedly places it on her head. Charlie continues to riffle through the cardboard, holding up a pair of cheap Halloween fishnets. "To go with your hat," he explains when she gives him a skeptical look.  

"I don't even know if I'm wearing this thing," she explains. 

He glances from the garment in his hands to Dee. "I don't know. It's supposed to be sexy." 

She does like that idea. "Yeah, but I'm wearing jeans, you won't be able to see them." 

Charlie hums in thought and moves to another box. He holds up a black dress, grinning in triumph. 

It brings up some bad IRS memories, but she still loves how it looked. She sighs, hoping to come across more inconvenienced than she feels. "I'll try it," she says bunching up the clothes and heading towards the bathroom to change. It seems a little unfair that she has to change completely, while Charlie simply threw on an old jacket. Whatever, she’s the real actor in the gang anyway.  

Dee stands in front of the grimy bathroom mirror, admiring her reflection. "Charlie," she yells, "get in here."  

He enters a moment later, covering his eyes. "What's up?" He asks.  

Dee groans in annoyance, yanking his hands away and pulling him with her. They stare back at themselves. "We look good." 

\------  

“Your shitty car is kind of bringing this down,” Charlie complains.  

“Oh, I’m sorry, Charlie,” Dee starts, angry and mocking, “is this car not good enough for you? Because it’s the only one I have since you wrecked my other ones.” Her voice hits a high enough pitch to make Charlie flinch.  

“I don’t think that happened, Dee.” He says calmly. “Why would we ruin a car?”  

“Whatever,” Dee growls. She speeds up, changing lanes. She spots a car dealership ahead. “We’ll get a better one, if it’ll shut you up.” Dee pulls in, cutting someone off in the process. She gets out. “Follow my lead,” she demands. Charlie’s barely out of the passenger seat when a young guy in a tacky suit comes nearly sprinting towards them.  

Before he gets the chance to speak, Dee’s begun in the accent from before, “My, uh, husband and I would like to purchase your nicest car, good sir.” If the guy notices she’s slipping between high society and British, he doesn’t comment. “As you can tell by our fancy clothes, price is no object.” 

He nods eagerly, “Right this way. I’m sure we can satisfy all your new car needs.” 

They enter the brightly lit showroom. Dee keeps in character, looking unimpressed at her surroundings. Charlie is more amazed at the building than the expensive vehicles.  

The sales rep leads them to a yellow corvette, “This is our highest quality model.”  

It looks douchey. Dee scoffs, “Do I look like a middle aged man with an inferior dick?” She pauses and clears her throat, starting over. That wasn’t quite high society. “I mean we’re looking for something a little more… luxury.”  

Charlie speaks up, trying to sound impressive too. “We already have, like, ten of these anyway.” He taps the car dismissively.  

“Okayyy,” the sales guy says, “I think we can put you two in the right thing.” 

“Less promising, more doing,” Dee says impatiently. She’s hoping to sound like a busy rich lady, instead of an underpaid waitress excited for a joyride.  

He nods, still happily determined. He leads them all to a less showy model. It’s silver and big and Dee doesn’t care enough to listen to the name. She and Charlie circle it like prey, looking in the windows at the cushy leather seats and numerous buttons covering the dash. “We’ll need to take it for a test drive. Make sure it’s up to our high standards.” 

“Absolutely, I just need some information off your license.”  

Dee freezes. Fuck. She’d forgot about that part. Did she give a fake name earlier? Would he remember?  She smiles, “Well, of course.” 

\------

Fifteen minutes later they’re cruising down the road, riding the high of a successful plan and limitless possibilities.  

“So, um, where are we going?” Charlie asks from the passenger seat.  

“Wherever we want, Charlie, the world is ours now.” 

They share a smile. There’s something special in the air, just the two of them. He turns on the radio. Whatever it ends up, he has a feeling it’s going to be good. They don't get very far. 

"Ugh, high school sucked,” he groans. Dee hadn't even noticed what they were passing.   

She agrees, but pulls in the driveway, past the school to the very back. Back by where they would hang out, smoking weed, while the cool kids banged or did sports or whatever. Charlie looks at her. "What are we doing here, Dee?" He asks suspiciously. 

"What we never got to in high school." Maybe Charlie didn't care about that stuff. But Dee dreamed of fitting in with that crowd. 

Her whole past sucked and their futures are screwed. The now is all that’s left, and right now she’s happy. The only good thing in life are moments like these.  

Dee parks and turns to him, placing a hand on his jaw and a kiss on his lips. She pulls back, looking at him expectantly. "Is that okay?" She asks. 

Sometimes it wasn't. Sometimes he'd rather just hang out, drinking beers and joking around. Some of those times, Dee would feel slightly annoyed, wondering what man says no to sex. But he never made her feel unwanted or embarrassed when it happened. He'd nervously suggest maybe they could do something else instead. Trying to hide her disappointment, she’d comply. His joyful grinning at her made her feel wanted in a whole other way. 

But this time, he does what he'd do those other sometimes. Leaning into her, kissing back before she could finish a full breath. His fingers tracing her sides and back. Charlie shifts his body, angling a leg between hers.  

Dee gasps, pushing against him, then climbing into his lap.  

It's dark now, and people are probably out looking for the car thieves. 

But  _goddamn_ if they could care. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> -Charlie has that Colorado t-shirt. How perfect did that turn out?  
> -Their costumes aren't as good as they think.  
> -I'm not condoning drunk driving, what they had been drinking had worn off by the time their plan really gets going.  
> -They're not really car thieves, and do plan to return it.  
> -My plan was to just have them make out in the end, but it's kind of ambiguous so take it as far as you want to imagine.


End file.
